Alexander Sedov (alek_morse) wrote,
Alexander Sedov

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Russian Sherlock Holmes jokes. Part 2

Like I said before, the Livanov SH series are extermely popular in Russia, so that national Sherlock jokes/anecdotes became very popular here too. A few months ago, I post several jokes. It was Part 1. Now Part 2. One Russian blogger called Sam has written about 20-30 Sherlock Holmes jokes. I have translated 14 of them into English.

Read and enjoy, please:

In the dark, Holmes, Watson and Helen Stoner expect the snake.

Holmes whispers:

“Watson, have you ever played the stock exchange?”


“And I too”.

“But why have you asked me about it?”

“It is lack of civility to be silent in lady’s presence”.

“Watson! Today I have met Professor Moriarty in the Covent Gardens!”

“Who is Moriarty?”

“It’s great and incomprehensible! That man has draged himself in the Opera House because of me, but nobody did hear about him!”

“You see it, Watson?” he yelled. “You see it?”

“A snake? Many times…In  Afghanistan…”

 (Here are the jokes in Russian:

Here are in English:


I suppose, Ms. Morstan, that you and Watson both must know about one another all most the worst, so that hasn’t unpleasant surprises and misunderstandings. As I don’t see that you have flaws, I’ll have begun from Watson.



“Mycroft, I can’t think up original present for Watson’s anniversary”.

“Present to him The Handout of Bee-keeping”.

“Is Watson really in need of Bee-keeping?”

“Are you really in need of it?”

It is logically”.


“Probably, You have read about stirred Norwegian Sigerson’s researches, but, of course, you couldn’t image that it was tidings from your friend”.

“Aha! So, Sigerson is you. Maybe, is Norwegian traveler Amundsen you too? You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Holmes! You use of that I can’t check you…”

Mrs. Hudson’s voice:

“Mr. Holmes, your acquaintance has come… In my view, he is an Arctic researcher…”


After own move in Baker Street rooms, Watson hangs deer’s head with spreading antlers on the wall.

“Is it your trophy?” – asks Holmes.

“Yeah… I had a stroke of luck”.

“Strangely. You are nice for me, Watson, but 999 men of thousand would not say that it is a stroke of luck…”



In the compartment:

“How did you reach, Watson?”

“Excellently! My coachman was aider of Minister of Foreign Office”.


“Watson, where did you get drunk?”

“Hhh… Holmes… I… I played cards… and… I merely have lost… my wife…”

“Don’t worry, Watson! Count that we have found the treasures of Agra”.


“I don’t understand, your Majesty, what does Irene Adler want from you? Is she needed of money?”

“No, she is provided”.

“Was you rude with she?”

“No, I wasn’t”.

“Did you make baby with she?..”


“Has she disgusting character?”

“I don’t think”.

“Did you promise to her somewhat?”

“Yes, once I made a blunder that we will marry”.

“Oh, dear! That is very bad! Your Majesty has indeed committed an indiscretion…”



“Unfortunately, Mr. Holmes, I have a modest income thanks to two cows that I have. I’m not sure whether I can pay for your favour…”

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Smith. If your case wills enough interesting for me, I shall not take the fee”.

“But if will the case not enough interesting for you?”

“So, then you will sale a cow”.

There is English omen: if your bed is screwed on floor, your wife wills a snake.


“You see, Dr. Mortimer… Mortimer… This name resembles somebody me… Aha! I just have remembered! I have a familiar Mr. Mortimer Tregennis… He has very interesting fate”.



“He was dieing to suffer from terrible torment!”

“He was paralysed with fear”.

“Awful fear! Nobody can help him”.

“Real martyr! How he suffered!”

Dr. Mortimer has shot from the sitting room to forget own walking-stick again. Holmes and Watson both are laughing long ago…

“Henceforth he will not name me “the second-rank expert”!”


“Watson, you, of course, has frequently seen the steps which lead up from this hall to our room. Say, how many steps here?”

“14. No… 15!”


“Well, I never!”

“6th creaks, new board is on tenth step. It is trivial detail, but our business hasn’t trivialities. I’d like to say that… (RACKET) Damn it!!!”

“What is happened, Holmes? Long ago I wanted to say you that 6th was rot through”.

Tags: anecdotes, jokes

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